Let me start by saying that I talked to Mom and Dad about all the problems I've been having.

And they understand.

And that's good.

My faith has morphed over the last year.  I no longer consider the prime purpose of my life here to worship God by attending church, tithing, and praying.  Instead my failth has become more action-oriented.  In fact, I don't see any real point to religion (that's not selfish) other than to benefit everyone you possible can, whether you love them or hate them.  So in that regard, it seems to me that the only way to serve any diety that's not in a selfish way (when it really boils down to it) is to serve others.  And that has become my primary goal in life.

That's not to say that I don't try to show people God through my thoughts, words, and actions.  I jus hopw that if they don't they at least come to the same conclusions I have.

And I know that the order to put things in your life is first God, THEN others, then you.  But what would motivate you to put God first in your life?  Is it a selfish motivation (i.e. I don't want to go to Hell, I want to spend eternity with God), or is it a people-driven motivation (i.e. How can I help others get into Heaven?  Is there a way to make sure someone else doesn't get sent to Hell?)?  And that's the entire point I'm trying to get to:  If you're not placing God first for the sake of others, you're putting him there for your sake, which is selfish.   And doesn't selfishness fall under the sin of pride, which is the worst of the 7 Deadly Sins?

So anyway, enough of my rant.  I believe that there is a diety that knows more than we ever will, so maybe all of our interpretations, including mine, are wrong.

 Let me skip now to a crzy dream I had last night:

The weirdness started when Mom, Lizzy, and I all decided to go to Carthage.  It was either a week or so before Christmas, or the day after - I wasn't sure.  But we wanted to go down there and see what had changed, what was gone, what was new, and what was happening.

So we hopped in the van, sped down to Carthage, and drove down Garrison for a while.  Then we saw that there was a novelty/antique-type store near where the Salvation Army store is in real life (about 5 buildings down was that roundabout that has the 3 banks, the Wendy's and the Iggy's).

Inside was G'Daddy and a bunch of other older men from FUMC.  I think the Herbsts were there too, but if they were, I didn't talk to them at all.  Lizzy and I immediately went to the back of the store where all the old videos and toys were kept.  I think they had a few Bucky O'Hare videos, but I wasn't all that interested in them.  I saw that they had a smaller version of the Gordian's Knot, so I took it apart and tried to put it back together again.  The shape of the pieces was slightly different, though.  That, combined with the fact that I had suddenly forgotten how to put one back together, meant that I had to leave it disassembled on the shelf.  The shelf was the type that Book Barn used to have (the type where it's made out of wire and so there are spaces on the shelf through which things can fall), so within seconds a few of the pieces had landed on the floor where no-one except for me knew they were there.

I started looking around the rest of the store, trying not to draw attention to myself for what I had done.  Then I noticed that there were a lot of LEGO modelsscattered around different stands in the store.  I wanted to buy one, but I realized that they disassembled them before they gave them to you, and there were no instructions on how to put them back together.

So then the vantage point suddenly changed, and I found myself dropping heavy crystal balls on the LEGO models and laughing as parts flew every which way.  That only lasted for about 5 esconds, though.

Suddenly, the entire dream changed.  I think the old one ended and a new one began entirely.

Anyway, I was at a snowboarding place.  It wasn't like the classical ski place where there was a giant hill and you boarded on that.  It was more like a gianthalf-pipe that had a bunch of twists in it, and it had a definite starting and stopping place.  There was also a giant swimming pool and a place to simulate surfing.  It seemed like a giant skate-snowboard-swim-surf place that was designed for that particular purpose.  I think one of the TJ kids was having a party there, though it was up here, where I live now.

When the dream actually started, I was sitting at the top of the end (or was it the beginning?) of the snow-boarding halfpipe.  There was a big ramp going down, then a bend, then a place where the pipe was flat just for a few inches, then another drop and the acual half-pipe.  The entire pipe, from the flat point to the top of the ramp was covered in square about six inxhes on a side, and inside of each square was a number.  The numbers were all different colors of the rainbow, as were the sqaures on which they were printed.

A bunch or nerds (for lack of a better word) has set up computer all along the ramp, many of them inside the ramp itself.  They were all asking themselves the same question:  What if Jesus were snowboarding up the ramp?  Randumb, I know.  But play along here.

I found myself in the pipe within seconds, trying to help in any way I could.  I didn't know what aspect of Jesus' snowbaording they were testing for, but I tried to help.  Many times over I saw the squares and teh numbers diasspear from the ground of the ramp, only to see a holographic Jesus board up the ramp and down again, with a trail of squares and numbers forming behind him, covering where his board had actually touched the ramp and every point directly below that.

I still couldn't figure out what they were testing for, and I never found out through the entire sequence of dreaming.  But later on, I moved on from the ramp and went to where the pool and surfing area were, though from a distance it still looked like part of the ramp.

We were sitting in a garden area around a table, enjoying some snacks.  I was sitting at the table so that to my left was the rest of the park-type area.  To my front and to the left, about 150 feet off, was the swimming pool and surfing area, and directly behind that (from my vantage point) was a breezeway that marked the real entrance to the snowboarding half-pipe.  The half-pipe itself resembled not a semicircle but a parabola, not really reaching vertical at any point.

Anyway, I was sitting in the garden area with Alexis, Lizzy, and a few others (I don't remember who they were).  There was a girl who resembled Kaitlin Hoff (but definitely was NOT her), who was obsessing over all the other girls who were there.  Though no-one explicitly stated it in the dream, I could infer that she was a lesbian.  While we were sitting there eating, Alexis looked over and saw that girl wouldn't stop looking at her, and this bothered her.

This was all supposedly taking place on Saturday, Valentine's Day.  Being the day it was, I presented to Alexis some flowers.  I might have also had a box of chocolates, but I don't think so.  Anyway, I presented all this to her and wished her a happy Valentine's Day.  Flattered, she gave me a kiss on the cheek.

I was thrown off guard by this, and it left me almost stupefied.  When she asked me what was wrong, I told her that I had never been kissed by a girl in my life.  (I meant by this that I had never been kissed by a girl outside of my family.) She couldn't believe this and asked if I was serious.  I affirmed that I was dead serious.  At this news, she laughed in a shocked and sad kind of way and began kissing me repeatedly (almost like snogging), and soon we were kissing each other on the lips.  To this, everyone else said the usual "Awww..." and smiled to each other.

So apparently, this was a dream within my dream.  Which made me really sad.  But I "woke up" from this dream, but I was still at the same place, with all the same people.  This time was early evening.  I found Alexis quickly and told her about the dream, which was rather stupid now that I think about it.  At the end of my recollection, she smiled, and kissed me on the lips "for real."

So by now the place had morphed, and where there had been a swimming pool and a surfing area before, there was now a large lake with a giant fountain in the middle.  In the same way, where there had been the half-pipe, there was a large building, fancy in nature.  It was in this very building that everyone there was going to participate in a dance very soon.  And the good news was that the seniors weren't going to run it this time - we had a real DJ.

There was a very small island, maybe 100 square feet total, that was about 40 feet out from the corner of the squarish-shaped lake.  On this island was a large sign announcing that there would be a dance in the building.  When Alexis and I passed it (we were now suddenly in our dance clothes, she in a dress and I in a suit), we saw a couple standing in front of the sign, ready to get their picture taken.  I don't remember who the girl was.  Alex Bowman stands out in my memory, but I know it wasn't her.  But the guy was one of the Thespians from SMNW, whose name I've never known but who looks a lot like Rowe Hessler.  I didn't really understand even in my dream why a kid from Northwest who had never even been to TJ was at a TJ dance, but I didn't question it too much, since I didn't go to TJ at that time either.

I don't remember too much about the actual dance.  What I do know was that the chemistry between Alexis and I was perfect, and I couldn't have pulled off a better dance with her.  I knew we were truly in love with each other by the time we left.  Even if I hadn't been sure myself, I could tell by the fact that Alexis and I wouldn't let go of each other.

Then that dream ended, and the next dream started with me in the waiting room of an hospital.  Alexis had been involved in an accident, and she had apparently died or something like that.  I saw two nurses walking out of the hall, and heard them conversing about the details of the accident.  I had not heard the story yet, and I can't remember what the story actually was, though I know it was pretty fantastic.  As I heard them talking, my head fell into my hands and I began crying uncontrollably.

I was led out of the room, back to our car.  I turned around one last time to look at the hospital at which Alexis had met her end, and when I did, I saw her walking out of the front doors!

I broke out of the grip of whoever was pushing me to the car and almost literally tackled her, I was so happy to see her.  She was very happy to see me, but mostly glad that she was still alive.  She didn't even seem to have any major injuries.  So we hugged each other tightly, and I parctically carried her to the car that was waiting for us.

Weird dream, huh?  I don't even know where half of this came from.

But anyway, a few days ago I made my first 911 call ever.  There was an accident on the highway that we saw when we were driving to Carthage last weekend.  There were two cars that were right in the middle of the road, blocking alot of the lanes.  So we called 911, but before we could even tell them what had happened, they triangulated our location and figured out why we were calling.  (Apparently it wasn't the first call that had come in.)  So I thanked them and hung up.  When I closed my phone, my hands were shaking.

And that's pretty much it.  Except for that I've started learning how to play the guitar and I've gotten back into the habit of climbing trees.  And Chris Matthews broke one of my 4x4x4's by throeing it against a wall at school.  It was a particularly crappy 4x4x4 and it didn't even turn anymore.  Oh yeah, and I have VERY bad grades right now because I missed a lot of information over two days where I was really sick.

That's it.  I swear.

(Update on 5/25/09:  I just now realized that the way in which Alexis was kissing me in the deam I mentioned here is the exact way Roman and Charlotte kiss each other nowadays.  Does that now officially mean that my dreams predict the future?  It's happened enough, in indrect ways, that I think it's totally possible...)

(10/15/09:  I found out the name of the kid who was dating Alex Bowman in my dream:  Miles Wirth.)